Yesterday one of my old friends and co-workers posted a playlist, as he often does on Mondays. One of the songs was "All the Gold in California" by Larry Gatlin. I thought I'd had not heard that song in a few years and went to play it on YouTube.
As YouTube does, another Larry Gatlin song came up in queue, "Broken Lady". As it played and I remembered the words vividly, it was like a dam had burst in my heart (lyrics to some other country song) and if I could have, I would have hit the floor.
I had not heard either song since the 80's, at least. And the words to "Broken Lady" rang so true in my head and heart. I've been divorced since 2004, but I never meant to be. I thought that I could love enough to get us through anything, and it just wasn't true. It was an impossible task I should have never took on, but I did.
I listened to the song and sang out thru tears, until the tears dried up and I moved past it, again. I've moved past the hurt many times in the last 15 years or so, many times more than that during the marriage. I must remember, again, my synopsis of that failed experiment.
My worst day without him has still been better than my best day with him!
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Sunday, June 25, 2017
First Friends
There is only eighteen months between us - Mike was born on Christmas Day 1961. While at that age, Christmas was not really making much sense to me, I understood well that life had changed when my mom came home to my Pampie's house with a new baby. I don't remember it, but I can picture the scene. Mom said I came over to the bed, glad to see her, then saw the baby. She said I lay my head down on the bed and cried.
Mike and I had about another 16 months before our brother Larry came. There are a few vague memories of us playing together. By the time we were school age I remember much more. Mike and I walked home from school when we lived in Glasgow. Straight down Cherry Street, left on Garmon Avenue, 3rd house on the right!
Then we moved to Nashville, and began a wild ride through a bunch of different schools - not of our doing but of the forced desegregation plan in place at the time. After 1971 we would not be in the same school at the same time until the fall of 1977 when I was a senior and Mike was a sophomore.
Mike and I ran in totally different crowds. I was studious and on the path to college, wrote for the school newspaper and had a posse of like minded folks - we were the geeks of the school! Mike was the artist and musician, academics were the necessary evil that had to at least be tolerated to pursue the art and music. His friends were the freaks of the school! But, these two groups could come together at our house without hesitation or problem and laughter was the rule of the day!
After I'd graduated and failed at the college experience, I was back home, working full time and had bought my first car. Mike said I should come to the basketball game, the pep band was playing. So I did. Mike said I should go with them to Pizza Hut. So I did. Our younger brother Larry and his crew joined us, thus began our journey of being young adults hanging out together with friends.
For the first couple of years, I was the only one of us three that owned a car. So, we kept those wheels burnt off between the high school, various jobs and all of our social activities! Amy was a little too young for most of what we did, but there were good times with her too!
For the next six to eight years, we thought we owned this city. We went to loads of concerts, and lots of festivals and city gatherings. The right of passage to adulthood orchestrated on the streets of Nashville and in a 1979 Buick Regal!
Occasionally Mike would leave town to play music somewhere for awhile. One of those times, he was playing a show for six months in Gatlinburg. The entire band lived in one big house, but they had a guest room, so I drove over for a weekend of fun. Mike and I tried to drive up to Ober Gatlinburg, but my little car wouldn't pull the mountain! We had to go back and get his car that had a 440 Torino engine!!
Once Mike and I rented a house together and that summer Larry came home from the Army and moved in - we don't discuss the year on Algonquin Trail much but you can just imagine!!
One time I had met this guy who wanted my number and I gave him the wrong number. I decided I might like him but wasn't sure how to approach the number thing. So I asked Mike. He told me just to say "Hey, my number has changed" - it was perfect and we died laughing!
In the decade that followed, I got married, Larry got married, Mike finished broadcasting school, Amy got married, we lost Dad, then Mike married. Life happened and sometimes we didn't talk as much, but when we'd get together no time had been lost! Oh, there were times I made him so mad at me I don't know why he didn't punch me. And times we'd laugh until we cried. When I got divorced, I went to court with both my brothers right there beside me. Quickest divorce ever granted I'm sure!
It's been a month since Mike left - I've spent most of this time remembering, laughing, crying and listening to a lot of music! I cannot truly express how much Mike was my first friend, my longest friend, and the best friend a big sister could ever have! I love you Mike and I'll see you again!!
Saturday, December 24, 2016
2016 In Review
It's Christmas Eve, and I've got to get busy with some cooking I plan to do. Tomorrow my family will come over for food and presents and we'll have a good time. I will treasure those moments, even though I will be exhausted when they go, I know that these moments will be over for me one day and I want to savor each one as long as possible.
This year, 2016, has been a little more than rough. When the new year rolled in, I hoped for a good year for myself and health since 2015 had been so bad, but I also recognized that 2016 was going to bring loss, there were just too many folks I knew who were sick and hurting.
In January we lost Corky Edwards. I'd had the pleasure and privilege to call her "Grandma" for over 25 years. She was actually Ben's grandmother, but she was Grandma to all of us. Thank you Grandma for loving us all as your own!
Just a short time passed and a dear friend, Cathie Dodd, passed. Cathie had taken a chance on me back in 2003 and gave me and my children a beautiful brand new place in which to live. We lived there over six years. Thank you Cathie for all you did for me and my family and for all of the other families you helped to house for years!
Before I turned around good, my dear dear Aunt Joan passed. Joan had lived with us when she was in high school and I was a child of 4 and 5. She'd always been such a light in our family, the only girl with seven brothers! Any time we'd visit or talk on the phone, no matter how long it might have been, we could pick up like we'd not missed a single day. She was so very special to me, thank you Joan for always being a light in my life!
In June, a man very near and dear to my heart passed, Mr. Dave Miller! There is another blog post dedicated to Mr. Miller, but he was more iconic to my life than he ever knew. The knowledge he passed on to me, and others, has been invaluable in life. Thank you Mr. Miller for teaching me so very much and for always have a great sense of humor!!
A man I'd met after I moved to Trevecca, Ed Wallace, passed in summer. Ed was quite a pleasure to talk to - he loved music of all kinds so we could talk forever about that. His life's work had been in computer installation and repair, he'd been on the install team for the very first computer in Nashville - which I'd known was at Life and Casualty - so we'd bonded immediately. I can remember him being in the multi purpose room playing on the piano. Thank you Ed for being so kind to me!
Another friend from Trevecca, former Glencliff classmate and forever Woodbine girl, Connie Medrano, passed in early December. Connie and I had become good friends after she moved into Trevecca and I will always remember our "Woodbine" calls whenever we'd see each other. Thank you Connie for the laughs and I know you're heart is at peace!
Just a week ago, my dear and sweet Aunt Sue Lacy left us. What a glorious reunion Heaven must have witnessed! That should be of great comfort, and it will be I know, but right now my heart is so broken. Aunt Sue was a wonderful woman. There were times she reached out to me that I've never shared with anyone, but times when I was distraught or my heart was so burdened. She prayed with me many times over the phone, and I know her prayers would continue for me and my family long after the phone call ended. Thank you Aunt Sue for so many great memories thru the years, but especially for your Christian example and endless prayers!
My heart is heavy with the losses of 2016 and I expect a few more next year, some loved ones are not doing so well and bad news just seems to keep rolling in, but I know this is life. My grandmother used to tell me "You know Lisa, the only thing we're promised the day we are born, is that one day we will die". She was so right and there is some comfort in those words, even in times of grief. Remembering her, Mom and Dad, all the aunts and uncles, my Grandpa - brings smiles of good times and tears of sadness. Tomorrow, seeing my children and the grands will bring smiles of good times and tears of sadness - the circle of life.
This year, 2016, has been a little more than rough. When the new year rolled in, I hoped for a good year for myself and health since 2015 had been so bad, but I also recognized that 2016 was going to bring loss, there were just too many folks I knew who were sick and hurting.
In January we lost Corky Edwards. I'd had the pleasure and privilege to call her "Grandma" for over 25 years. She was actually Ben's grandmother, but she was Grandma to all of us. Thank you Grandma for loving us all as your own!
Just a short time passed and a dear friend, Cathie Dodd, passed. Cathie had taken a chance on me back in 2003 and gave me and my children a beautiful brand new place in which to live. We lived there over six years. Thank you Cathie for all you did for me and my family and for all of the other families you helped to house for years!
Before I turned around good, my dear dear Aunt Joan passed. Joan had lived with us when she was in high school and I was a child of 4 and 5. She'd always been such a light in our family, the only girl with seven brothers! Any time we'd visit or talk on the phone, no matter how long it might have been, we could pick up like we'd not missed a single day. She was so very special to me, thank you Joan for always being a light in my life!
In June, a man very near and dear to my heart passed, Mr. Dave Miller! There is another blog post dedicated to Mr. Miller, but he was more iconic to my life than he ever knew. The knowledge he passed on to me, and others, has been invaluable in life. Thank you Mr. Miller for teaching me so very much and for always have a great sense of humor!!
A man I'd met after I moved to Trevecca, Ed Wallace, passed in summer. Ed was quite a pleasure to talk to - he loved music of all kinds so we could talk forever about that. His life's work had been in computer installation and repair, he'd been on the install team for the very first computer in Nashville - which I'd known was at Life and Casualty - so we'd bonded immediately. I can remember him being in the multi purpose room playing on the piano. Thank you Ed for being so kind to me!
Another friend from Trevecca, former Glencliff classmate and forever Woodbine girl, Connie Medrano, passed in early December. Connie and I had become good friends after she moved into Trevecca and I will always remember our "Woodbine" calls whenever we'd see each other. Thank you Connie for the laughs and I know you're heart is at peace!
Just a week ago, my dear and sweet Aunt Sue Lacy left us. What a glorious reunion Heaven must have witnessed! That should be of great comfort, and it will be I know, but right now my heart is so broken. Aunt Sue was a wonderful woman. There were times she reached out to me that I've never shared with anyone, but times when I was distraught or my heart was so burdened. She prayed with me many times over the phone, and I know her prayers would continue for me and my family long after the phone call ended. Thank you Aunt Sue for so many great memories thru the years, but especially for your Christian example and endless prayers!
My heart is heavy with the losses of 2016 and I expect a few more next year, some loved ones are not doing so well and bad news just seems to keep rolling in, but I know this is life. My grandmother used to tell me "You know Lisa, the only thing we're promised the day we are born, is that one day we will die". She was so right and there is some comfort in those words, even in times of grief. Remembering her, Mom and Dad, all the aunts and uncles, my Grandpa - brings smiles of good times and tears of sadness. Tomorrow, seeing my children and the grands will bring smiles of good times and tears of sadness - the circle of life.
Thursday, December 1, 2016
My Mother's Heart
When I reached the age of adulthood, I ended up with a job and a new car (and a new car payment). I had been a very smart girl in school but I ended up being ignorant to the ways of the world and my part in it. I made a bunch, not one or two, but a bunch of bad decisions that I thought weren't hurting anyone except me when they'd backfire. My mother talked to me until she was 'blue in the face' to no avail. My dad tried, he even called me at work one day to tell me my mother had spent her life raising me and I was killing her. That probably straightened me up for awhile, but not too long.
Now, I didn't do alot of drugs, I did plenty of drinking, didn't go to jail, but made the most horrible decisions on some friends, especially those of male persuasion.
I remember my mom crying in desperation, begging me to drop the person I was so intent on being with - and more than once we went thru this saga - until at last I just did what she feared most, I married him and had two babies.
Becoming a parent changed me - I wanted to be a shining example to them and was grateful that my past wasn't so bad. There weren't public records to document my stupidity, just a few scars and my mother's broken heart.
And oh how I tried to do everything right for my two children. I insisted they have everything I could think of and almost everything they'd ever ask for. I supported them in school being room mother and going on field trips, always looking out for less fortunate children and trying every way I could to make them proud of themselves and do the right things.
Even after the divorce I struggled to be sure they had everything they needed (high schoolers now) and welcomed all of their friends into our home. Now, said friends would be in two groups in two separate rooms, but they were there and I was comforted that my kids would bring their friends home.
My daughter was a ray of sunshine from the first moment I laid eyes on her. She excelled in everything she did, wasn't too difficult of a teenager, went on to college and graduated, married a man who loves her desperately, is a kind and loving nurse to all of her patients and is a wonderful woman, wife and daughter to me.
My son was a challenge from the get-go. My dad said he was tense, maybe he was? His little fists were clinched from birth and he didn't sleep well for a long time. He had four daycares before kindergarten, (my daughter only two) and it was most taxing to keep him in school reasonably behaved. The difficulty continued to grow, until I put him in state custody at age 16. He aged out of that, got me evicted from the home we had, and proceeded to spend the next eight years in and out of jail, homeless, jobless 90% of the not in jail time, and fathered multiple children with multiple women. Right now we are not speaking because of the presidential election this year. And honestly, my life is much more peaceful with no (almost) contact with him.
My mom used to say that what you do comes home to you tenfold - well my mother's heart was broken badly over my decisions. This woman's heart may not recover.
Now, I didn't do alot of drugs, I did plenty of drinking, didn't go to jail, but made the most horrible decisions on some friends, especially those of male persuasion.
I remember my mom crying in desperation, begging me to drop the person I was so intent on being with - and more than once we went thru this saga - until at last I just did what she feared most, I married him and had two babies.
Becoming a parent changed me - I wanted to be a shining example to them and was grateful that my past wasn't so bad. There weren't public records to document my stupidity, just a few scars and my mother's broken heart.
And oh how I tried to do everything right for my two children. I insisted they have everything I could think of and almost everything they'd ever ask for. I supported them in school being room mother and going on field trips, always looking out for less fortunate children and trying every way I could to make them proud of themselves and do the right things.
Even after the divorce I struggled to be sure they had everything they needed (high schoolers now) and welcomed all of their friends into our home. Now, said friends would be in two groups in two separate rooms, but they were there and I was comforted that my kids would bring their friends home.
My daughter was a ray of sunshine from the first moment I laid eyes on her. She excelled in everything she did, wasn't too difficult of a teenager, went on to college and graduated, married a man who loves her desperately, is a kind and loving nurse to all of her patients and is a wonderful woman, wife and daughter to me.
My son was a challenge from the get-go. My dad said he was tense, maybe he was? His little fists were clinched from birth and he didn't sleep well for a long time. He had four daycares before kindergarten, (my daughter only two) and it was most taxing to keep him in school reasonably behaved. The difficulty continued to grow, until I put him in state custody at age 16. He aged out of that, got me evicted from the home we had, and proceeded to spend the next eight years in and out of jail, homeless, jobless 90% of the not in jail time, and fathered multiple children with multiple women. Right now we are not speaking because of the presidential election this year. And honestly, my life is much more peaceful with no (almost) contact with him.
My mom used to say that what you do comes home to you tenfold - well my mother's heart was broken badly over my decisions. This woman's heart may not recover.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Just My Thoughts - First Published Sept 16 2009
Just My Thoughts
Lately, I hear so many folks saying so many negative things
about other people. From the fights on Facebook over politics, to the crazy
things that happen on television award shows, to the insane things talked about
dead folks, and the one that prompted me to write this – the ignorant remarks
of a few college students with whom my daughter has classes.
Each time I’ve heard these comments, read the posts, or generally been exposed to these things, my mind keeps going back to something I heard a little over a year ago. That remark I would like to share and excuse me, but preach for a minute or two.
On July 7, 2008 the plane carrying then presidential candidate Barack Obama had to make an emergency landing. Keep reading – when I was listening to the news reports that afternoon they were playing the tower to plane conversation. The pilot had already radioed that were in trouble and the tower knew it – the tower’s question to the pilot was “How many souls on board?”. The pilot went on to answer “56 souls on board”.
I must say I had an epiphany of sorts at that moment – it hit me like a Mack truck that regardless of WHO we are, we each and everyone have a soul. That soul is transparent to God, meaning it does not matter if you are Obama or the person on the plane that was there to keep water glasses filled, you are a SOUL!
Doesn’t matter how much we may disagree on political matters – makes for lively debate and hopefully, expansion of your mind. Doesn’t matter how ‘liberal’ you may think I am, or how ‘conservative’ you consider yourself. Doesn’t matter if you worshiped in a church with 1000 members on Sunday or if your prayers to God were moaned in desperation. Doesn’t matter if you’re fortunate to work for a corporation that can offer private health care at minimal expense to you or if you are a mother trying to raise your children and need an option to keep them healthy. Doesn’t matter if your dad wrote a check to pay your tuition in full or you are on a full ride scholarship because you worked your butt off in high school to be able to get the education you want.
All of these, and so many many more, are just examples of how we are different and how wonderful this world can be because of our differences. If each and every one of us could only remember that each and every other person was just a SOUL, imagine how wonderful this world would be!
Each time I’ve heard these comments, read the posts, or generally been exposed to these things, my mind keeps going back to something I heard a little over a year ago. That remark I would like to share and excuse me, but preach for a minute or two.
On July 7, 2008 the plane carrying then presidential candidate Barack Obama had to make an emergency landing. Keep reading – when I was listening to the news reports that afternoon they were playing the tower to plane conversation. The pilot had already radioed that were in trouble and the tower knew it – the tower’s question to the pilot was “How many souls on board?”. The pilot went on to answer “56 souls on board”.
I must say I had an epiphany of sorts at that moment – it hit me like a Mack truck that regardless of WHO we are, we each and everyone have a soul. That soul is transparent to God, meaning it does not matter if you are Obama or the person on the plane that was there to keep water glasses filled, you are a SOUL!
Doesn’t matter how much we may disagree on political matters – makes for lively debate and hopefully, expansion of your mind. Doesn’t matter how ‘liberal’ you may think I am, or how ‘conservative’ you consider yourself. Doesn’t matter if you worshiped in a church with 1000 members on Sunday or if your prayers to God were moaned in desperation. Doesn’t matter if you’re fortunate to work for a corporation that can offer private health care at minimal expense to you or if you are a mother trying to raise your children and need an option to keep them healthy. Doesn’t matter if your dad wrote a check to pay your tuition in full or you are on a full ride scholarship because you worked your butt off in high school to be able to get the education you want.
All of these, and so many many more, are just examples of how we are different and how wonderful this world can be because of our differences. If each and every one of us could only remember that each and every other person was just a SOUL, imagine how wonderful this world would be!
Birthday Thoughts - First Published May 31 2010
Birthday THoughts
So, I guess it's no secret as I've posted things this birthday
week, that music has played a big part in my family's life.
I was so very blessed to have parents that loved and appreciated music - all types. We grew up listening to Danny Davis, Billy Vaughn, Lawrence Welk, Dean Martin, The Lovin' Spoonful, Duane Eddy, you name it - my mom probably had the album. What a blessing and legacy they left to us - for the enjoyment and comfort of music through the years has been a tremendous presence.
And, bless their hearts for living through the Beatles, Sweet, Kansas, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Ted Nugent!
I suppose there was more than a time or two they thought maybe having a really nice stereo system in the house might NOT have been a good idea.
Tomorrow I will be big 50! Everything I am today was shaped first by my parents, my siblings, and then my children. I am nothing without them in my life.
I don't know how much longer I have on this earth, but I am so very grateful for the years I've had, the family, the friends, the experiences, good and bad, for all of them are a little part of this package called "Ms. Lisa"!
Love and peace to you all!
I was so very blessed to have parents that loved and appreciated music - all types. We grew up listening to Danny Davis, Billy Vaughn, Lawrence Welk, Dean Martin, The Lovin' Spoonful, Duane Eddy, you name it - my mom probably had the album. What a blessing and legacy they left to us - for the enjoyment and comfort of music through the years has been a tremendous presence.
And, bless their hearts for living through the Beatles, Sweet, Kansas, Lynyrd Skynyrd and Ted Nugent!
I suppose there was more than a time or two they thought maybe having a really nice stereo system in the house might NOT have been a good idea.
Tomorrow I will be big 50! Everything I am today was shaped first by my parents, my siblings, and then my children. I am nothing without them in my life.
I don't know how much longer I have on this earth, but I am so very grateful for the years I've had, the family, the friends, the experiences, good and bad, for all of them are a little part of this package called "Ms. Lisa"!
Love and peace to you all!
A Mother's Love - First Published Feb 25 2013
A Mother's Love
So yesterday was Mom's birthday. I made a comment about it
on Facebook and really enjoyed the comments that came back. Spent the old
day thinking about her and the family as a whole.
You know, our mothers are the first person we know and the only
one that will ever know us inside and out. Moms hear and feel your
heartbeat from the inside, feel the first movement as you begin to wiggle
fingers and toes and the movements where her dress jumps, your heel is pushed
almost through her abdomen, or the times when it feels like you're stomping
your way out of the womb. No one else will ever know how you felt growing
and developing in her body.
Your mom is usually the first person (after the doc maybe) your
little eyes don't focus on - but believe me - mom knows you in that first look.
And until you feel that wave of emotion that passes through your body
when you see that baby for the first time, you cannot ever know exactly how
your Mother felt nor appreciate just how much she loved you.
As I begin to raise my kids, there were moments I realized how
my mom must have felt (usually if I felt disappointed, because I know I
disappointed her several times. There were moments I opened my mouth and
my Mom came out - shocking, but then I had to admit how very right she had
been!! Times when I stopped for a minute just to say a prayer of thanks
for the Mom I'd had, the way she'd raised me, and how blessed I had been.
And at this stage in life, a deep understanding and appreciation for all
of her love and sacrifice because there is no end to what a mother will do for
her kids.
Mom and I had a conversation just a couple of weeks before she
died in which she was giving me instructions on how to handle arrangements,
etc. She went on to say that raising us hadn't always been easy, but they
(she and Dad) had gotten lucky, they'd good kids. I told her we were the
lucky ones!! Tears came to her eyes as she said "thank you for
saying that".
I never spoke truer words.
I guess I must have a point here - and it's this - tell your
parents how you really feel about them and don't wait until it's too late.
You'll be glad you did and you'll be able to enjoy the memories without a
lot of sorrow.
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