Today is Valentine's Day. For a lot of folks today, there will be demonstrations of how much they love each other - flowers, candy, balloons, plush, special dinners, sex!, and hopefully some time to reflect on what they really mean to each other.
I've spent a lot of time thinking this week, actually more like for a few months, about my life and why I am alone. I've made a few comments on facebook, etc. but I really have given it a lot of thought.
I was married for 14 years - and I wasn't happy for most of it. I stayed because I didn't want to hear "I told you so" from my mother and because I had two kids I thought really needed their dad to be there. I don't recall him ever taking me out on Valentine's Day for dinner - his idea of eating out was going thru the McDonald's drive thru! In the beginning he gave me some flowers - he was one of those men you'd see at Kroger on VD buying something. He did give me a card just about every year - it always made me wonder though - he signed the card "Rondal Martin" like I didn't know who he was and he never wrote anything else - although the cards were usually thoughtful and sweet.
This week I had an epiphany - my personality and character will not let me need someone!
I've given this a great deal of thought and am convinced this is true. I had been in love with others before Ronnie - but - there were lots of reasons those relationships didn't work out. When I realized I was falling in love with him, I wanted to be with him every second and I really felt like I needed him - in my life, beside me all the way, in good times and bad. I believed those words totally and completely.
But, I am a strong willed person and come from a long line of headstrong iron willed women. I don't think that is the problem - but after I was married, everytime I really needed Ronnie - needed him to support me and carry me for awhile, he let me down. Being pregnant with Renee was very hard - and I began to feel all alone. He didn't stay in town long enough to have our special dinner at the hospital or to drive me home - things I really needed him to do for me.
As the years went by - I found myself not relying on him for anything but trouble. I worked, I took care of the house, the kids and him. He brought home some money and gave me sex - that was the extent of his support for me. And, after years I evolved into a woman who would not let herself need anybody for anything. Years of hopes and plans being dashed and repeated failures time after time led me to never expect too much - to never need anyone else to do what they were supposed to - and the only rely on myself for what I needed. Expect nothing but failure unless I was 100% in charge and not depending on anyone else.
I've been separated from him almost eight years and I'm just now realizing all of this??? The walls I've built around me are too tall and two thick for anyone to ever penetrate. I'm at peace with that and just finally figuring it all out gives me a freedom I had not know before. It does make me sad too - I would have liked to share with someone again.
Meatloaf had a song back in the late 70's, early 80's where one line was "I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Don't feel back, 'cos two out of three ain't bad".
It takes all three for a loving caring healthy relationship.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Weight of the World
There are many days I feel the weight of the world is all on my shoulders. That's not true of course, but there are just times I feel like that.
I've been enjoying playlist.com and Amy turned me on the blip.fm. These are both great sites to find music and create playlists. I've enjoyed them because of music I remember from 'back when' and finding music that I don't own.
And, in listening to the lyrics and singing along to oldies and current favorites, I've realized that my favorite songs of all have a personal message I truly believe in or address the human condition - and most of the time the human condition is not good.
I suppose most music is lumped into those categories if I thought about it, but indulge me, I'm trying to make a point.
I'm sitting here wondering these things (and yes, it's from the eclectic mix of songs I've listened to today):
1 - what really matters - WHAT REALLY MATTERS? Is it how many toys you accumulate while on this planet? Or how big a bank account you can accrue? Or how many foreign countries you've visited. If any of these are true, I'm already behind the 8 ball!
2 - when I leave, what am I leaving behind? Now I've even mentioned that this song by Linkin Park (Leave the Rest Behind) be played at my funeral. But seriously, what am I leaving behind? What will I be remembered for? I'm a long way from having any money, so no buildings will carry my name or be named for me in honor of all my contributions! And, will I be missed? I'm sure Renee and Lynn will miss me - Amy and Ben too - but am I making enough of a contribution for anyone else to say "Man, I sure miss Lisa" or "man, I wish Lisa were here" when the time comes I've shuffled off this mortal coil?
3 - have I done anything to help anybody on this planet have a better life? I'd like to think so - I hope I have encouraged a few folks when they were down to keep plodding on - I hope I've shared as much knowledge as I can with people - and I hope that just by smiling at someone I didn't know, maybe their day was a little improved. But, that's just not enough. I can't go to a third world country and dig wells, I can't donate a million dollars to build a school somewhere, but I need to make more of a contribution to my fellow man.
4 - and in light of that - where do I go from here? I feel burdened for those less fortunate for even though I'm basically broke, live in a small 1 bedroom apartment and own an 8 year old van - I am so blessed with love. And, I'm content with where I am in life and the life I've led - I am not full of regrets so that each day is sorrowful and angry. BUT, I know there is something else I can do to help someone.
So - I feel the weight of the world and the vast needs that will go unmet today. My heart aches for the babies born today that will be addicted to crack at birth, and aches for those you are given healthy births, but make that decision later in life to use drugs. It's going to snow tonight - and if I still worked downtown - I would see some homeless people lining up on the sidewalk grates that blow warm air as I headed home. And, I wonder if everyone in my building has had supper tonight? There are a lot of hungry people in this world.
These feelings and my awareness of some of what goes on in the world, oh I have no doubts I know little of what is really bad, well, it shapes my daily routine, it shapes the way I think, what I say, how I vote, and what I teach my children. And, I believe each of us is personally responsible to try and improve the condition of our fellowman. I know I can't give money to a crack addicted person who asks - but I can bring them something to eat. I can't take anyone in to my home, but I can be charitable with my time and resources to help places that help homeless.
And I can pray. And pray a lot - every day - and many times during the day - even if it is a sentence prayer but even a few words mumbled or felt deep within, when there is true heartfelt emotion that accompanies them - are the prayers God wants us to pray for each other. That I can do plenty of - and I will do more tomorrow than I've done today.
I've been enjoying playlist.com and Amy turned me on the blip.fm. These are both great sites to find music and create playlists. I've enjoyed them because of music I remember from 'back when' and finding music that I don't own.
And, in listening to the lyrics and singing along to oldies and current favorites, I've realized that my favorite songs of all have a personal message I truly believe in or address the human condition - and most of the time the human condition is not good.
I suppose most music is lumped into those categories if I thought about it, but indulge me, I'm trying to make a point.
I'm sitting here wondering these things (and yes, it's from the eclectic mix of songs I've listened to today):
1 - what really matters - WHAT REALLY MATTERS? Is it how many toys you accumulate while on this planet? Or how big a bank account you can accrue? Or how many foreign countries you've visited. If any of these are true, I'm already behind the 8 ball!
2 - when I leave, what am I leaving behind? Now I've even mentioned that this song by Linkin Park (Leave the Rest Behind) be played at my funeral. But seriously, what am I leaving behind? What will I be remembered for? I'm a long way from having any money, so no buildings will carry my name or be named for me in honor of all my contributions! And, will I be missed? I'm sure Renee and Lynn will miss me - Amy and Ben too - but am I making enough of a contribution for anyone else to say "Man, I sure miss Lisa" or "man, I wish Lisa were here" when the time comes I've shuffled off this mortal coil?
3 - have I done anything to help anybody on this planet have a better life? I'd like to think so - I hope I have encouraged a few folks when they were down to keep plodding on - I hope I've shared as much knowledge as I can with people - and I hope that just by smiling at someone I didn't know, maybe their day was a little improved. But, that's just not enough. I can't go to a third world country and dig wells, I can't donate a million dollars to build a school somewhere, but I need to make more of a contribution to my fellow man.
4 - and in light of that - where do I go from here? I feel burdened for those less fortunate for even though I'm basically broke, live in a small 1 bedroom apartment and own an 8 year old van - I am so blessed with love. And, I'm content with where I am in life and the life I've led - I am not full of regrets so that each day is sorrowful and angry. BUT, I know there is something else I can do to help someone.
So - I feel the weight of the world and the vast needs that will go unmet today. My heart aches for the babies born today that will be addicted to crack at birth, and aches for those you are given healthy births, but make that decision later in life to use drugs. It's going to snow tonight - and if I still worked downtown - I would see some homeless people lining up on the sidewalk grates that blow warm air as I headed home. And, I wonder if everyone in my building has had supper tonight? There are a lot of hungry people in this world.
These feelings and my awareness of some of what goes on in the world, oh I have no doubts I know little of what is really bad, well, it shapes my daily routine, it shapes the way I think, what I say, how I vote, and what I teach my children. And, I believe each of us is personally responsible to try and improve the condition of our fellowman. I know I can't give money to a crack addicted person who asks - but I can bring them something to eat. I can't take anyone in to my home, but I can be charitable with my time and resources to help places that help homeless.
And I can pray. And pray a lot - every day - and many times during the day - even if it is a sentence prayer but even a few words mumbled or felt deep within, when there is true heartfelt emotion that accompanies them - are the prayers God wants us to pray for each other. That I can do plenty of - and I will do more tomorrow than I've done today.
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