Today is Valentine's Day. For a lot of folks today, there will be demonstrations of how much they love each other - flowers, candy, balloons, plush, special dinners, sex!, and hopefully some time to reflect on what they really mean to each other.
I've spent a lot of time thinking this week, actually more like for a few months, about my life and why I am alone. I've made a few comments on facebook, etc. but I really have given it a lot of thought.
I was married for 14 years - and I wasn't happy for most of it. I stayed because I didn't want to hear "I told you so" from my mother and because I had two kids I thought really needed their dad to be there. I don't recall him ever taking me out on Valentine's Day for dinner - his idea of eating out was going thru the McDonald's drive thru! In the beginning he gave me some flowers - he was one of those men you'd see at Kroger on VD buying something. He did give me a card just about every year - it always made me wonder though - he signed the card "Rondal Martin" like I didn't know who he was and he never wrote anything else - although the cards were usually thoughtful and sweet.
This week I had an epiphany - my personality and character will not let me need someone!
I've given this a great deal of thought and am convinced this is true. I had been in love with others before Ronnie - but - there were lots of reasons those relationships didn't work out. When I realized I was falling in love with him, I wanted to be with him every second and I really felt like I needed him - in my life, beside me all the way, in good times and bad. I believed those words totally and completely.
But, I am a strong willed person and come from a long line of headstrong iron willed women. I don't think that is the problem - but after I was married, everytime I really needed Ronnie - needed him to support me and carry me for awhile, he let me down. Being pregnant with Renee was very hard - and I began to feel all alone. He didn't stay in town long enough to have our special dinner at the hospital or to drive me home - things I really needed him to do for me.
As the years went by - I found myself not relying on him for anything but trouble. I worked, I took care of the house, the kids and him. He brought home some money and gave me sex - that was the extent of his support for me. And, after years I evolved into a woman who would not let herself need anybody for anything. Years of hopes and plans being dashed and repeated failures time after time led me to never expect too much - to never need anyone else to do what they were supposed to - and the only rely on myself for what I needed. Expect nothing but failure unless I was 100% in charge and not depending on anyone else.
I've been separated from him almost eight years and I'm just now realizing all of this??? The walls I've built around me are too tall and two thick for anyone to ever penetrate. I'm at peace with that and just finally figuring it all out gives me a freedom I had not know before. It does make me sad too - I would have liked to share with someone again.
Meatloaf had a song back in the late 70's, early 80's where one line was "I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Don't feel back, 'cos two out of three ain't bad".
It takes all three for a loving caring healthy relationship.
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