My Mother's Heart

When I reached the age of adulthood, I ended up with a job and a new car (and a new car payment).  I had been a very smart girl in school but I ended up being ignorant to the ways of the world and my part in it.  I made a bunch, not one or two, but a bunch of bad decisions that I thought weren't hurting anyone except me when they'd backfire.  My mother talked to me until she was 'blue in the face' to no avail.  My dad tried, he even called me at work one day to tell me my mother had spent her life raising me and I was killing her.  That probably straightened me up for awhile, but not too long.

Now, I didn't do alot of drugs, I did plenty of drinking, didn't go to jail, but made the most horrible decisions on some friends, especially those of male persuasion.

I remember my mom crying in desperation, begging me to drop the person I was so intent on being with - and more than once we went thru this saga - until at last I just did what she feared most, I married him and had two babies.

Becoming a parent changed me - I wanted to be a shining example to them and was grateful that my past wasn't so bad.  There weren't public records to document my stupidity, just a few scars and my mother's broken heart.

And oh how I tried to do everything right for my two children.  I insisted they have everything I could think of and almost everything they'd ever ask for.  I supported them in school being room mother and going on field trips, always looking out for less fortunate children and trying every way I could to make them proud of themselves and do the right things.

Even after the divorce I struggled to be sure they had everything they needed (high schoolers now) and welcomed all of their friends into our home.  Now, said friends would be in two groups in two separate rooms, but they were there and I was comforted that my kids would bring their friends home.

My daughter was a ray of sunshine from the first moment I laid eyes on her.  She excelled in everything she did, wasn't too difficult of a teenager, went on to college and graduated, married a man who loves her desperately, is a kind and loving nurse to all of her patients and is a wonderful woman, wife and daughter to me.

My son was a challenge from the get-go.  My dad said he was tense, maybe he was?  His little fists were clinched from birth and he didn't sleep well for a long time.  He had four daycares before kindergarten, (my daughter only two) and it was most taxing to keep him in school reasonably behaved.  The difficulty continued to grow, until I put him in state custody at age 16.  He aged out of that, got me evicted from the home we had, and proceeded to spend the next eight years in and out of jail, homeless, jobless 90% of the not in jail time, and fathered multiple children with multiple women.  Right now we are not speaking because of the presidential election this year.  And honestly, my life is much more peaceful with no (almost) contact with him.

My mom used to say that what you do comes home to you tenfold - well my mother's heart was broken badly over my decisions.  This woman's heart may not recover.