Tomorrow is the date my daughter's baby boy, Loki, was due to be born.
Today I got up and the tears started, it hurts no less today than it did on May 8 when she told me the baby's heart had stopped. And no less than May 9 when she had a surgical procedure to remove her baby boy. And no less than everyday since then.
Oh, as Nena I've got other grandsons to love on. But I missed seeing Loki, or getting to know him. Sharing with him, laughing when he did things I would have spanked Renee for doing, teaching him little things like I'm his mommy's mommy - that's always fun to teach children.
But the worst thing of all is to see my baby still hurting like she does. Tomorrow will be a hard day for her, she's not planning on working, and I hope she can find some peace somewhere, if only for a few hours.
Maybe, in her grief, she can find some solace. Right now she's 11 weeks pregnant and things look good so far. Oh Lord, please don't let my baby be heartbroken again. Lord please let this baby make it to be born and both of them be okay, I pray so hard and everyday for this. and I cry, lots of big momma tears, like my baby's cried.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Friday, October 5, 2018
Me Too
I have given this so much thought and decided to share my 'me too' moment, if only on this blog. There will be a time that someone will read it, probably my daughter and my sister. It's not something I've dwelled on or have let it influence me on a daily, but, everything kept in the dark will come to the light.
Back in late 1968 or early 1969 we were living in Glasgow KY and Kyle was staying with us while on leave from the Marines. At the time, Larry was sleeping with me in my room. I guess Kyle was in one of the boys bunk beds. I don't remember if Bob was there yet and Mike was on the couch, but either way, Larry was sleeping with me. We were 5 and 8 at the time.
Kyle came into the room and got into bed with us. He was drunk and was talking to us about the kids in Vietnam who had to eat bugs just to have something to eat. During that time he pulled me very close to him and begin rubbing my buttocks. I didn't really understand what was happening, except that I was very scared.
I don't remember any other touching and shortly Mom came to the door of my room and told him to come back to the kitchen. It was never discussed or even acknowledged. And, child like I must have forgotten it pretty soon.
The memories returned to me several years later when Kyle had moved back into our house, this time with a wife and two sons. His drinking was out of control and his mouth was so mean. By that time, I was about 15 or 16, and was overweight. Not much by today's standards for sure, but in the mid 70's enough for me to never have a date, etc.
He reminded me of that and berated me often. I had wanted a Mustang as long as I could remember, he even went as far as to tell me Mom and Dad had bought one, but I would only get it if and when I lost the weight. Needless to say, none of that was true. Through the years Kyle and I would butt heads more than once - it was just a war of words - and Mom defended him to the end of the world.
I didn't think too much about the 'assault' until right after I'd married and then Ronnie Martin accused me of sleeping with my brother. I was deeply hurt by those comments and this memory came back to me again. I always thought it was because, if I'd married a normal man, I could have shared that pain. No way would I have ever let Ronnie know and never did.
The only person in my life who has ever know this story was my very dear friend Tammy Barrett. Tammy and I were sisters from different mothers, we were so much alike and had a deep bond from the moment we met. We were almost clones of each other - it was so funny to us!
I never did make peace of any kind with Kyle. The last time I saw him alive was at Larry's house. Larry and Mike played some music and Kyle sang. After the song, he hugged the boys and mom and said "I love you guys". I just stood on the opposite side of the room and we looked at each other, but no words passed and no hugs either. I never knew what he remembered.
I realize that this moment in my life does not compare to some of the horrors other women have endured. But to me, it was horrific and I can see where it impacted me on a very personal level. I never fully shared my heart with any man ever. And, there were men in my life who had no place at all. For that I take full responsibility, I just wonder how things may have been different without the shame and pain I've felt.
Back in late 1968 or early 1969 we were living in Glasgow KY and Kyle was staying with us while on leave from the Marines. At the time, Larry was sleeping with me in my room. I guess Kyle was in one of the boys bunk beds. I don't remember if Bob was there yet and Mike was on the couch, but either way, Larry was sleeping with me. We were 5 and 8 at the time.
Kyle came into the room and got into bed with us. He was drunk and was talking to us about the kids in Vietnam who had to eat bugs just to have something to eat. During that time he pulled me very close to him and begin rubbing my buttocks. I didn't really understand what was happening, except that I was very scared.
I don't remember any other touching and shortly Mom came to the door of my room and told him to come back to the kitchen. It was never discussed or even acknowledged. And, child like I must have forgotten it pretty soon.
The memories returned to me several years later when Kyle had moved back into our house, this time with a wife and two sons. His drinking was out of control and his mouth was so mean. By that time, I was about 15 or 16, and was overweight. Not much by today's standards for sure, but in the mid 70's enough for me to never have a date, etc.
He reminded me of that and berated me often. I had wanted a Mustang as long as I could remember, he even went as far as to tell me Mom and Dad had bought one, but I would only get it if and when I lost the weight. Needless to say, none of that was true. Through the years Kyle and I would butt heads more than once - it was just a war of words - and Mom defended him to the end of the world.
I didn't think too much about the 'assault' until right after I'd married and then Ronnie Martin accused me of sleeping with my brother. I was deeply hurt by those comments and this memory came back to me again. I always thought it was because, if I'd married a normal man, I could have shared that pain. No way would I have ever let Ronnie know and never did.
The only person in my life who has ever know this story was my very dear friend Tammy Barrett. Tammy and I were sisters from different mothers, we were so much alike and had a deep bond from the moment we met. We were almost clones of each other - it was so funny to us!
I never did make peace of any kind with Kyle. The last time I saw him alive was at Larry's house. Larry and Mike played some music and Kyle sang. After the song, he hugged the boys and mom and said "I love you guys". I just stood on the opposite side of the room and we looked at each other, but no words passed and no hugs either. I never knew what he remembered.
I realize that this moment in my life does not compare to some of the horrors other women have endured. But to me, it was horrific and I can see where it impacted me on a very personal level. I never fully shared my heart with any man ever. And, there were men in my life who had no place at all. For that I take full responsibility, I just wonder how things may have been different without the shame and pain I've felt.
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