Well, if I never knew the meaning of these words, I do now.
I'm very sad, more sad that I've ever been that I can remember. I've blogged many times about being a mom and some of those hardships, but the last seven days have been so bad that I truly wonder why I'm still breathing.
Last Monday my daughter, whom I love so very dearly, and have been so very proud of her whole life, came to tell me she was pregnant. That should have been a very happy announcement and one that I've actually prayed about. She's 29, has Protein S deficiency and PCOS. Becoming pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy full term would be a huge accomplishment, if it happened at all, and we've known this and discussed it.
She has been married almost six years to a man she dated five, but in the last few months they'd hit a rough spot. I guess more than a rough spot, since her husband is not the father of her child.
I have no clue what to say. The thoughts in my head are not nice. And I've cussed out a few people in the last week that probably didn't deserve it, but I'm lashing out.
There's no fixing any of this. Her husband is heartbroken, but standing beside her. I can't decide if he's a saint or stupid beyond words. The sperm donor is not free - he has a wife and child that is almost two. He doesn't work consistently, still lives with his mom and not someone I think I can ever accept the way I have her husband, nor love either. Right now, I think I hate him.
BUT that may be because 30 years I was in a similar situation. The man I married, before I got pregnant, had to get divorced first. And they didn't have any children. But today none of that is any comfort. I set a pattern, I sowed a bad seed and now I will reap what I've sown.
I will not only know the heartbreak my mother felt, but feel it times ten. And I know that in 7 1/2 months, if we have a little baby, I will be so filled with love that some of this will fade.
The worse part is having no one to turn to - no one to share the pain with. My mom and dad are gone and her dad wouldn't care that this hurts me, in fact he'd probably find it perfectly fine and funny. So, not only do I feel the weight of ten worlds on my shoulders and my heart hurts so bad, I don't know why it beats, I am standing alone.
Years ago, my Mom told me I was making a bed so hard I couldn't lie in it. I thought she was crazy, but I now understand. I'm paying, and I suspect I've only scratched the surface.
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