For those of you who know me more closely than just the blog, you know the last nine months or so have been pretty rough. Last June, continuing problems with my son escalated to him being arrested here at home for domestic violence and I relinquished him to state custody. He lived away from here for about 5 months, during which time he did come home for visits. Things seemed to be going pretty good and he returned home in November for a 90 day trial.
Things started out pretty good I guess - I don't think I really believe that, I just want to believe it. Progressively, they've gotten worse. About a month ago Lynn and I went to a child/family/team meeting at DCS. I fully intended to send him back to residential care that day, however, some facts came out regarding DCS' failure to provide support to the family during the transition that changed my mind. The plan then became for us to get family counseling, etc. and try to keep Lynn at home.
He would have to return to school, which he was fighting about going everyday, etc. And we would go to counseling. Which we have now, twice. The first time was an assessment that indicated Lynn really needed to be in a residential treatment facility but they said they were working with us. The second time was horrible, a lot of things came out, and while I have some notion that we are progressing, etc., Lynn is harboring anger and resentment over last June and says he plans to settle the score when he is out of state custody. I've taken that as a threat, although, the counselor didn't seem to agree.
Needless to say, life in this house since Tuesday has been off the chain. I don't know what the immediate future holds, but I don't see Lynn and I living in the same location very much longer. I feel tremendous guilt about this, but I feel guilty that Renee is being forced to live in hell and I shouldn't be willing to settle for his hell for myself. I did that with Lynn's dad, lived in pure hell for a long time before I got myself out of there - and that's what I'm facing now. It's much harder when it's your flesh and blood, the child you've carried and gave birth to, the child you've raised and sacrificed everything under the sun for, and it's damn near impossible to accept that this other human you have so much invested in can become a person who does not embrace any of your values or show any respect for what you've done.
It's a minute by minute thing right now, but, this is another situation that I feel like I'll have to end and I won't like the outcome. He'll grow up one day and see the errs of these ways, I hope I am alive to see it, for his sake, not mine. Guilt over something you cannot make right is a bitch to live with and I want better for him than that burden.
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