What Does This Mean?

A couple of nights ago I had a dream. Not that unusual of course, but this dream has a recurring person and theme and it's been going on for years. So, I've had this thought that if I bear my soul about it on my blog one of two things will happen. The dream will end OR I will reach some level of understanding within myself on why it happens.

At least 4 times a year - maybe more - I dream about a classmate of mine. I first met Marvin when my family moved onto Desoto Drive in Nashville when we came here in 1969. He lived up the street and was in the classroom I was assigned to when I went to school. In fact, the teacher sat me in the desk next to him.

Marvin was a cute little boy - blond hair and blue eyes - and even at 8 years old that combination was already my favorite. We finished out the school year, only 17 days, and during that time the principal let us know we were in the wrong school. That's a whole other blog - the craziness of school zoning, but for the purpose of this one, I went to a different school in 4th and 5th grade than Marvin did. We still saw each other - he was just up the street - and as weather permitted the street kids would gather at our house to play ball or in the vacant lot next to his to climb on a big tree that had fallen.

In 6th grade, we ended up in the same school again, and stayed that way until we graduated in 1978. We were always on the same bus, and, in high school, would catch a ride with someone if the bus didn't come or if Rickey was driving his 1957 Chevy. I think thru the years we only had 2 or 3 classes together, but we sat together on the bus quite a bit.

We didn't always travel in the same circles either. Marvin played football, I was a band kid! I was Miss Goodie Two Shoes (according to my brothers!) and Marvin walked the fence of danger! I was in the Top Ten and I think Marvin was glad to make the graduation requirements! Get the picture? But there is more to this, through the years I don't think anyone ever knew that we were closer than it appeared. Years of riding the bus and the conversations, and just the camaraderie that we'd built from knowing each other since we were 8 years old.

Sometimes I say crazy stuff - Marvin never missed an opportunity to peg me if I'd said something that was insane or if it left open a window of innuendo for him to prank on me or laugh at me. Example - one day in chemistry - we were about to do an experiment and I couldn't get my Bunsen burner to light. I said OUT LOUD!! "I need someone to light my fire". He never let me forget that!

After graduation, I didn't see Marvin so much. I went off to Bowling Green for a little while, he went to Murfreesboro. But, for sure I'd see him on the street sometimes and we'd stop and talk - or - on Halloween when I was walking Amy around the neighborhood we could catch up for a few minutes. The last time I saw Marvin I was walking my own kids around mom's neighborhood on Halloween - we would have been 32 at that point. He laughed at me and said I had my hands full with Lynn!

Sometime in the next year or two, Marvin killed himself. He had been married and had two little boys and I understand going through a bad divorce. My mom called me at work to tell me - I can still recall the numbness I felt at that moment. And, sixteen years later I still wonder if maybe just one more person could have gotten to him - if only I'd seen him that day to make him laugh or remember good times - if only.

I've never reconciled myself to the fact that he's gone. We've lost plenty of others from the class of '78. Those hurt, but, none like my friend Marvin.

And, periodically, almost like clockwork, the pain resurfaces because I dream about him. We are always somewhere at the same time with a big group of GHS alumni - but they are all fuzzy except him. And, in my dreams, we converse. Like we did back then about bands (we were both big Grand Funk Railroad fans) or music (like Van Halen or which album I should buy David Agee for Christmas because I had his name) or which girl he really liked (he told me liked Susie Williams at least a month before he started talking to her).

I know what the Holy Bible says about suicide, but I hope oneday when I'm gone, I'll see my friend again. I want to hug him and tell him I never stopped loving him.