Last weekend Lynn and I fought almost all weekend. He has plucked my last nerve, there's just no more I think, no more nerves to be plucked, no more skin to get under, no more hair to pull out. Somewhere in the course of the weekend, actually, when I was driving him back to his foster mother's - which took me ALL DAY Sunday to get him out of my house - he told me I was just a bitter old woman.
Rather stinging words from your son - but I admit I've not cut him any slack lately, about anything.
So during the week I mentioned it to one my friends, who promptly told me I am not a bitter old woman - I am just disillusioned and that is fine!
Been thinking about that - and it's really true. I have fought the bitter root , advice from a former church member about 16 years or so ago.
But I am disillusioned and here's why:
The marriage ended, so what, big deal! No person in my life, family or friend, wanted me to marry him and everyone saw what I didn't. He made me miserable everyday, but somewhere along the line my mom had told me "A bad dad is better than no dad" so I stayed until I just couldn't any longer, and she had long ago thrown in the towel on the idiot.
But, even though it finally ended, like a nightmare you think you'll never wake up from, I've come to realize it was never good. It wasn't like something happened, we didn't fall out of love, we didn't grow apart, it was never good. Wasn't it supposed to be good in the beginning and things just happen that lead you down the road to divorce?
But even that, I can deal with - like I said - who cares? - I'm so much better off and happier.
But then there are the kids! I've spent my whole life raising them, putting them first, and doing without anything I wanted and most stuff I needed to give them things they wanted and I wanted them to have.
Renee - she's appreciative most of the time. She's in school, she's working (2 jobs this summer) and trying to become a young adult who can stand on her own two feet. I worry about her health - she is diabetic - but mostly I worry about the young man she loves. He smothers her, and while that is cute and nice when you're dating, it's a disaster when you are married. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't have enough ambition to suit me and I discuss this with her. Not in the "You have to stop this", but "this may drive you crazy one day" and "you have to decide if you can live with this" kind of statements.
Then along comes Lynn - Lynn who is my payback for every single thing I ever did to upset my mother - down to just plain old stupid stuff like leaving cheese wrappers on the cabinet instead of putting them in the trash. Lynn - who insists he is a grown man, but is about 3 years old in reality. Lynn - who takes almost all of my energy on a daily basis and he's not even in my home full time right now. He's four months from being 18 and flat refuses to get a job. Says he doesn't want to go to school. His explanation to me on how he proposes to support himself is one that will lead to an orange jumpsuit with TDOC written on the back and Sunday visitations, to which I will refuse to go. Lynn who showed up at my house last night and said he'd been here until Sunday when I'd not planned on bringing him home because I needed a break from him. Lynn - who got his GED - thank God - but won't have a senior year, pictures, class ring, or graduation ceremony.
I wonder if I'd be happier if I'd been much more selfish raising them, if I'd made sure I had the things I wanted, if I'd allowed myself to have a social life that didn't revolve around supporting them in school, if I'd just said no to them. So, I am disillusioned. But, in another great saying from my mom, "This too shall pass".
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